Aww shit, you guys thought it would never come. That’s just how I operate, though. I don’t just lower your expectations — I eradicate them, so when I come through, you’re more than just surprised, you’re changed. I’m like your drunk, deadbeat dad who disappeared for seven years, and then oh who’s that in the back row of your piano recital? Boom.
Make sure you don’t miss the exciting first installment. You’ve really gotta follow the story sequentially, or else your just gonna get all confuzzled. Grant Andrews is a lot like Lost, if Lost were written by an impossibly stupid fourth grader.
Chapter Two: Enlistment
He figured he would run away to his girlfriend, Jessica Roden’s, storm cellar. That gave him a few advantages. First, If it rained he would not get wet. And second, no one would find him.
Ed. Note: Unless they needed a shovel or something, dumbshit.
Meanwhile, at the police station, Eddie and the Chief of the station were talking.
“You know the kid who disarmed the bomb?” said the chief.
“I’ve known Grant since he was born.”
“Get him. He could help us solve the case.”
The coffee in Eddie’s mouth shot out faster than a bullet train. “He’s only ten years old!”
Grant did run away and it was Christmas weekend which gave another advantage to Grant. He usually would be home playing “Crash Bandicoot” on his Playstation. (Ed. note: Topical!) But instead he was watching “My Girl” with Jessica. (Ed. Note: Women! Am I right, fellas?) It was safe for him to come out because her parents were gone on a business trip and her baby sitter didn’t know he was living in the storm cellar.
The doorbell rang. Jessica opened the door to reveal Eddie.
“Hey Ed! How did you find me?” Grant asked.
“Glad to see you too.” Eddie replied.
“Why are you here?”
“I…um…..wanted…to…err..”. Eddie paused then answered, “I wanted to ask you to be a cop!”
Jessica and Grant almost fainted. Then Grant asked, “Why do you want me to be a cop?”
“Chief says you diffused a bomb. He wants you Grant.”
“Who died and made chief boss?”
Eddie answered that the old chief, Jake Smith did. Well he started to call his parents, then he had second thoughts.
He answered Eddie in a happy hi-pitched voice, “Of course I will!”
A few days later, Grant and Eddie were finishing up their shift. “What kinda mission are we on, Ed?” Grant piped up on the long ride to the station.
“Chief says it’s a bomb crisis.” Eddie said in the most gloomy voice Grant had ever heard him use. They drove by the nasty side of town. Grant heard Eddie mutter something that sounded like “memories.” He ignored it. But right after the silence that came next, Grant heard something. He heard…it…
Ed. Note: Sorry to interrupt the dramatic tension, but I’m going to need you to go back and re-read that last paragraph. Come on, you know you’ve gotten reminiscent and just muttered the word “memories.” We all do it, from time to time.
The scream! It came from the old beaten up Riter mansion. It sounded like Jessica, his girlfriend, but he blocked that idea out fast from his head. He said “Eddie…”
Before he could finish his sentence, Eddie said “I’m on it.”
They jumped from the car, running like they were in a bad Shaft movie. By the time they busted the door down, another scream came. This time it was muffled at the end.
“Let’s turn back” Grant suggested. Eddie didn’t answer.
When they reached the top of the stairs, they saw two punks holding a girl at gunpoint.
“JESSICA!” Grant screamed.
Eddie stopped him from trying to throw the punks off of the five flights of stairs.
“Hi Eddie! Remember me?” one of the crooks questioned him.
As he pulled off his mask, Grant could see he was a blond-haired man. His eyes were a deep blue. He looked very strong and was not thin.
“Jarod, why are you doing this?” Eddie chimed in.
“It’s very clever!” said the man. “You know this little girl’s dad, your boss, the police chief, inherited a hundred million dollars from his father? Well I want it Ed. I want it bad! That’s why I kidnapped his daughter! He gives me the 100 million. He gets his daughter!”
Ed. Note: The perfect crime!
“You won’t get away! I just signaled the entire station!”
The two hoodlums jumped through a hole in the room, with Jessica screaming behind them.
“Who was that?” asked Grant.
“He’s my brother, Jarod Saget.” Eddie answered.
Ed. Note: I swear to God, I didn’t add that last name in for comedic effect. My childhood was so saturated with reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos and Full House that “Saget” was one of the six surnames I was capable of storing in my brain.
Grant panicked. He could run down the stairs to get to the car like Eddie was doing or he could chase the punks through the hole in the roof.
He decided on the hole. He pulled himself through it and ran as fast as he could after them. When they reached the end of the room, the crooks took off their jackets. On their backs they wore devices that looked like something Grant had seen on “The Rocketeer.” Suddenly the two men jumped off the room, with Jessica clinging onto them for dear life.
“NOOOOOO!” Grant blasted from his vocal chords. Then something strange happened. The devices on the men’s backs sprouted wings.
“Oh, my…..” Grant muttered to himself. But before he could say another word, the men sped at him. Grant jumped out of the way and succeeded in kicking one of them, forcing one of the bad guys to drop his long range stun gun.
Ed. Note: This is where this thing goes off the rails into the batshit quarter of crazytown. It’s also extraordinarily geeky and embarrassing, and helps explain why I didn’t have any friends until high school, when I learned to keep this part of my life hidden beneath a bushel.
“Cool!” Grant said before he saw the tiles were slipping out from under him. He fell backwards and hit his head on something hard. He looked back to find a motorcycle looking machine. From his point of view he saw a sticker that said this:
Recent talon science development
Grant figured he would sit on it and see how it worked. As soon as he hit the cushion, a female voice said:
“Fasten your seatbelt.”
Man, fasten your seatbelt, indeed. The penultimate chapter in the Grant Andrews saga is dripping with action, excitement and run-on sentences. Also, it vaguely resembles JetMoto fan fiction. It might just be the only JetMoto fan fiction on the internet, which is braggable.
Oh, and I think I’ll finish this trip down memory lane with the About the Author section, which is funnier than the rest of the book combined. BRACE YOUR ASS.