I live in fear of working on this blog; mostly because of the time it takes to transcribe my elementary school writing. My hands instinctively correct the little mistakes which are included in the original text (the first two-thirds of which can be found here and here), but I find their preservation important. My poor spelling and grammar was as much a part of my life as was my proclivity for … well, skateboarding? Apparently? More on that later. For now:
Chapter Three: Confrontation
A steaming, hot, blue flame sputtered out from the back. Then, he was off.The chase was on. Since the roof was an inclined plane, it made a good ramp. He blasted up it at full speed, bracing himself for the impact of the ground. But it never came. It took Grant a minute to realize he was flying!
Grant yelled “How do you fly this thing?” questioning the female voice he had heard before.
“Do you know how to ride a bike?” she asked.
“Of course I do!”
“I ride the same, just without pedals.” she said.
Ed. Note: Except you’re flying and sentient, you condescending bitch.
After about five minutes, he got the hang of it. He flew low to the ground, catching up to Eddie’s car. “Ed!” Grant yelled.
Ed didn’t hear him. Now they were riding side by side. Grant knocked on his window and moved his hand in a circle (the roll down your window sign).
When the window was down, Grant said “Pardon me, do you have any gray poupon?”
“Very funny Grant.” Eddie replied.
Ed. Note: Nope. No. Hold on. We’re going to stop things for a second here. I’m not upset at young Griffin for attempting to make a funny by making what was, at the time, a very topical reference. Good literature is full of references — I was merely trying to make it acceptable to allude to a popular commercial. That’s uncharted territory, folks.
Ed. Note cot’d: No, what upsets me is Eddie’s reaction to this child of ten, who has appeared next to his speeding automobile on a flying, sentient she-bike. Is this not your first time at the rodeo, Eddie? You see kids on flying bikes with some amount of regularity? Fuck you, pal.
“To warehouse 21.”
“Don’t you think they might have the place covered with security guards?”
Before he could even finish his word, a wing blazed past them. There were security guards in the sky with more wing devices, and guards on the ground with odd looking cars.
“Let’s split up,” Grant suggested.
Grant pulled up with tremendous force to the sky. Five robo-guards (Ed. Note: Yes.) were on his tail. Through the clouds he saw warehouse 21. Grant did a U-turn making one guard think another guard was Grant. The two guards rammed into each other, blowing up both robo-guards.
“Two down, three to go.” he murmured. Suddenly he remembered the long-range stun gun. He turned back, fired at one guard, freezing it, and the other two crashed into it. They all blew up, creating a massive explosion, rocketing Grant forward through the glass window of warehouse 21.
“What is this?” Grant woke up. It was Jake Smith’s voice. The old chief faked his death. He had a gun at Grant’s head. Jake’s voice was petrifying. Grant must have fallen unconscious.
“So who all is in this thing?” Grant asked him.
“Oh, let’s see if you know anyone here.”
Andrew (Ed. Note: At this point, no character named ‘Andrew’ has been introduced. Just a fun fact for those of use keeping score at home.) pulled a light switch, revealing to Grant exactly who he thought he’d see. He saw Mrs. Kruptik, Jarod Saget, and the person was with him when Grant first met him, plus about seven security guards, and…Grant’s dad, Tim Andrews.
“No!” Grant shouted. “Why dad? Why? I trusted you! You shot me down just like you did Mom. She loved you! Why did you stop loving us? Why?”
“I don’t know what you are talking about kid,” he replied.
Grant’s face turned red. He was mad now. He heard a scream.
“Jessica!” He had forgotten about her.
With an effort, Grant controlled his temper.
“I’ll tell you what. Get out of here now. Turn yourselves in. Give me Jessica and you won’t get hurt too badly.”
“Sorry, but your offer is unacceptable. Get him!” Jake yelled.
Grant jumped up grabbing a cable ganging from the ceiling. He managed to shoot the two guards with his stun gun from that angle.
When the other guards and Mrs. Kruptik saw this, they ran for the door. Grant matched up the sight on his gun and shot Jarod’s assistant. He stood still for about a minute, before falling down. Soon he realized what happened and he, with the two guards Grant shot before, ran away. Grant looked through the window to see Eddie with the police force putting handcuffs on all seven guards, Mrs. Kruptik, and Jarod’s assistant.
“You can’t win.” said Grant.
“Watch us,” answered his Dad.
With that he pointed his gun at where Jessica was, and fired. Except she wasn’t there. She was under him tying his shoe laces together. And when he chased after her, he fell over into a pile of manure. (Ed. Note: Jesus, no.)
Jake, Jarod, Jessica and Grant were still in the room. It was a show down. Grant and Jessica vs. Jake and Jarod. Grant made the first move. He took a dive for the light switch, turning the lights off. Jake dived at Grant pinning him to the ground. Jarod grabbed Jessica behind the arms.
“Help!” they screamed, simultaneously. Suddenly, a piece of roof fell and the JetMoto fell from it.
“I got it,” she said.
Then she drove into Jarod, throwing him into a police car. Grant pointed his stun gun at Andrew, but it flew out of his hand. Andrew had shot it out of his hand.
“Jessica! Get out of here!”
Jessica was out in the blink of an eye.
“It seems I have the advantage.” Jake gloated.
“Not really.” Grant replied
“How do you see that?”
Jake turned around, to see Eddie’s fist slamming into his face. He was thrown in jail with the others.
“I’ll get you!” he said.
“Sure you will,” Grant remarked sarcastically.”
It was Grant’s mom. He thought he was in trouble. But his mom ran over and hugged and kissed him, saying “I missed you.” “Are you okay?”
After the hugging and kissing were over Jessica asked “Now what?”
Grant shugged his shoulders and jumped onto the JetMoto. He started it up, and with Eddie and Jessica on the back of it, he drove into the sunset.
Hey, are you okay? There are pieces of your face missing. You might want to check your lap, or the area around your seat, because there’s a very real possibility that that shit got blown off by all the action.
I’d be lying if I said that parts of that didn’t make me cringe to commit to virtual paper. Then again, the internet is a swirling maelstrom of bad writing that reading something like this isn’t outside the norm. I assure you, were you reading the book — which, by the way, is hard-backed, with a construction paper lining that remains crisp to this day, some 12 years since its production — you would find it doubly entertaining. Or, if you’re especially empathetic, humiliating.
Speaking of which, I’ve made promises to people that I’d post the About the Author section. Let me preface this by saying that no elementary schooler has ever, ever had anything interesting to say about themselves, ever. That’s just an immutable rule. You don’t start being interesting until high school, or maybe middle school, if you’re having a particularly traumatic childhood.
So, what follows is probably some stuff my parents thought summed me up, or hoped summed me up, because it paints me out to be some sort of immaculately-conceived wunderkind. I need to point out, however, that while most of this information is true, I have yet to stand on a skateboard for longer than six seconds without somehow finding a way to step on it incorrectly, sending the vehicle flipping upwards, towards my teeth.
About the Author and Illustrator…
Griffin McElroy is a boy who has a lot of talents. He is an amazing actor. He’s been in shows like “The Music Man,” “Hello Dolly,” “Charlotte’s Web,” “Showcase 95,” and “The Sound of Music.” He is now in showcase ’98.
Griffin is a superb skater, and he loves to listen to music. His favorite band is Ben Folds Five. Griffin enjoys writing. When he grows up, he wishes to be an actor.